saved
Bespoke: A Programming Language for People Who Say Please
Hraness cites a source capture. The source author remains the source.
gist
Christian Hofstede-Kuhn proposes Bespoke, a satirical statically typed language whose compiler rejects naked imperatives. Every allocation, mutation, I/O call, and concurrency request must open with ceremonial address, state its purpose, and close with an approved acknowledgement; .charming sources use full British type names, apologise for mutation, and report regrettable circumstances instead of throwing. The joke lands as a critique of programming's violent vocabulary—kill, abort, seize, starve—while still sketching a coherent etiquette for control flow, diagnostics, and cooperative cancellation.
ideas
- Address the runtime as a collaborator. Statements begin with Dear Compiler or similar, state the request courteously, and end with a full-stop sign-off; semicolons are refused as slamming a door.
- Spell types in full, in British. Prefer An Integer Number and Colour over clipped int/bool/Color; Quite True and Patently False are the only truth literals.
- Mutation requires an apology. Updates and manual deallocation are allowed only with acknowledged inconvenience; omitting the apology is undefined behaviour and, worse, common.
- Exceptions keep their dignity. Components report regrettable circumstances for gracious consideration rather than throwing and catching; concurrency uses Requests for Exclusive Audience and invitations to retire.
- Diagnostics wound with restraint. The compiler expresses precise disappointment, may correct vulgar orthography, and never lets --quiet suppress criticism.
quotes
“Programming has developed an unfortunate tone.”
“Concurrent programming reveals how violent our vocabulary has become.”
“This is cooperative cancellation with a dress code.”
“The exit status is still non-zero. We are civilised, not delusional.”